I am Privileged; I am Flawed

I have found a lot of my old posts through Google cache. In case you’re curious on how to do that, just type “cache:” in front of the URL you want to recover. Example, cache:www.allalltor.wordpress.com. But as this is my first milestone (20 posts) I thought I’d stick with something original, and personal.

I am a privileged person. I don’t mean to sound smug about that; it is something I need to be aware of to be aware of other people. I am white; I am male; I am able-bodied; I am comfortable with my gender; I am middle-class; I am from a country that could afford to educate me; I don’t have any learning difficulties and I seem to be mentally sound. And I am very grateful for this. I don’t mean to sound like a racist or a sexist by the way. White people are not better than non-whites, and males are not better than non-males (there are very few readers that will appreciate why I put “non-males” and not “females”). It happens that I live in a culture that values these traits over their alternatives. It is not right that we do that, but we do. I am not subject to the prevalent biases and bigotry of people at large.

But I want to admit to something: I am not really mentally sound. I have personality quirks, of course, and everyone of interest does. It’s almost a tautology; a personality is a quirk. But I have a way of dealing with stressful events that I don’t understand and that I feel forms a real issue: I forget. When I am under stress entire weeks can go by, but I will remember that time as only a few days. The last time this happened to me 12 days passed that I thought was only 3 days. I had 9 lost-days.

I seem to act fine on those lost-days; no one ever tells me that I have been unproductive or absent (physically or mentally), and I kept my job (I think, but I can’t guarantee I was working over that period; my memory wasn’t reliable) but those days are lost from my memory. This is destructive; where I thought I had taken 3 days to decide something, I had actually taken 12 days. That meant I lost my audience and missed the deadline. That turned out to be destructive.

This isn’t helped by the fact I turned to alcohol during this period to help with the stress. But a relaxed-me, drinking similar amounts of alcohol, doesn’t lose days like this.

When a person says that I ignored them for 12 days, and I’m convinced I simply didn’t talk to them for only 3 days, I get agitated at the disparity between the two views. When I am then shown a calendar and someone demonstrates to me that it was 12 days, not 3, I get very confused. After all, we all intuitively follow time and to be wrong by such a big margin over such a short time is startling. It is a real kick to the ego to discover, demonstratively, that you are very wrong. I am a little ashamed of it.

There’s no point or lesson at the end of this. It is just my confession. Thank you for reading.

2 thoughts on “I am Privileged; I am Flawed”

  1. Hi,
    I’m not saying you are – but I am dissociative. I was “caught” doing it by a job councillor one time. It was talking to her like it was Monday. She kept looking “funny” at me. Then she old me it was actually Friday. My first throught was “Oh no, I’m a Sybil!!” (have you heard of that movie? It’s called “Sybil”)
    Up to that time I thought my husband was messing with my head by moving objects around the house so I couldn’t find them. Also, one time a Fleetwood Mac CD came in the mail and when I asked him about it he said that it had been sent to us free for going to a concert of theirs. I had NO recollection of the concert though he said I’d gone to it with him. I thought he was messing with me again that time, but now I know – it’s me. I’m also an alcoholic, but have been sober 32 years, and I was stone-cold sober when these things happened.
    much love to you in Christ,
    robin claire

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