I have found a lot of my old posts through Google cache. In case you’re curious on how to do that, just type “cache:” in front of the URL you want to recover. Example, cache:www.allalltor.wordpress.com. But as this is my first milestone (20 posts) I thought I’d stick with something original, and personal.
I am a privileged person. I don’t mean to sound smug about that; it is something I need to be aware of to be aware of other people. I am white; I am male; I am able-bodied; I am comfortable with my gender; I am middle-class; I am from a country that could afford to educate me; I don’t have any learning difficulties and I seem to be mentally sound. And I am very grateful for this. I don’t mean to sound like a racist or a sexist by the way. White people are not better than non-whites, and males are not better than non-males (there are very few readers that will appreciate why I put “non-males” and not “females”). It happens that I live in a culture that values these traits over their alternatives. It is not right that we do that, but we do. I am not subject to the prevalent biases and bigotry of people at large.
But I want to admit to something: I am not really mentally sound. I have personality quirks, of course, and everyone of interest does. It’s almost a tautology; a personality is a quirk. But I have a way of dealing with stressful events that I don’t understand and that I feel forms a real issue: I forget. When I am under stress entire weeks can go by, but I will remember that time as only a few days. The last time this happened to me 12 days passed that I thought was only 3 days. I had 9 lost-days.
I seem to act fine on those lost-days; no one ever tells me that I have been unproductive or absent (physically or mentally), and I kept my job (I think, but I can’t guarantee I was working over that period; my memory wasn’t reliable) but those days are lost from my memory. This is destructive; where I thought I had taken 3 days to decide something, I had actually taken 12 days. That meant I lost my audience and missed the deadline. That turned out to be destructive.
This isn’t helped by the fact I turned to alcohol during this period to help with the stress. But a relaxed-me, drinking similar amounts of alcohol, doesn’t lose days like this.
When a person says that I ignored them for 12 days, and I’m convinced I simply didn’t talk to them for only 3 days, I get agitated at the disparity between the two views. When I am then shown a calendar and someone demonstrates to me that it was 12 days, not 3, I get very confused. After all, we all intuitively follow time and to be wrong by such a big margin over such a short time is startling. It is a real kick to the ego to discover, demonstratively, that you are very wrong. I am a little ashamed of it.
There’s no point or lesson at the end of this. It is just my confession. Thank you for reading.