I’m 23, and my entire life has built up to get a good job. I had an academic dad who pushed me through my early education and I got good GCSE results and good A-level results. I probably could have done better, but I had a dad who didn’t realise that being pushy on one hand and asking me to take on a lot of other responsibilities with the other was counter-productive. I then went to university, where even without being under supervision I worked hard and got a good grade. I’ve even been good (on paper, i.e. I have no criminal or civil convictions). I own suits for interviews, and have spent hours practicing good interview techniques.
So I find it unfair that I see people with criminal records and no GCSEs being pushed through the system for employment in the name of rehabilitation. Don’t get me wrong, I think rehabilitation is a good thing. I just don’t think I should need to become a criminal to get employment.
So here I am. I’ve been back from Thailand for three months now, and I’m employed in a job that is testing my resistance to suicide. Every job with a career path or some sort of progression ladder has rejected me. For the fourth time in my life, second since I got back from Thailand, I am working in a warehouse. I am working along the crushed spirits of people who know they can do better, some of whom don’t speak English.
And in terms of my future prospects, a company called iClean is interested in employing me in the new year for a total of 4 hours a week. I wonder why I left Thailand. I didn’t like the city, but I could have moved and that would have sorted out the problems with the agency too.
I should go to another country. I should either do a bit more TEFL teaching and explore and see the world while employment is still not really an option, or I should go somewhere like Australia, New Zealand or Canada where the environmental sector (the area I want to work in) is booming. But there are things in England I am staying here for.
I’m the oldest of seven brothers and sisters; of twelve if you include cousins. I want to work somewhere I can see my family on the weekend if I choose to. Not only that, but even though I’m 23 I’ve rarely been in a situation where I couldn’t go hide at my mum’s house if I screwed things up. Also, I’ve been holding out for someone to change her mind on how and whether I should be in her life… but I know I need to let go and move on on that front.
There are two reasons I am posting this to my blog. The first is that if you, as a reader, can see some of my bad decision-making I hope it will equally motivate you to find and decide against any rut you may be in. Secondly, I just needed to confess to myself exactly what the situation is: I am scared of moving on.