Her Gift to Me

I promised myself I would stop writing about my ex-girlfriend, but I have a person in my life at the moment that keeps bringing her up and I have no real way to distract myself from the thoughts that wells up. My last session of ‘Hey-lets-talk-about-her-I’m-sure-that-will-make-you-feel-better-about-life’ doted heavily on the issue of why I am finding it so difficult to move on from her.

There’s the seven years thing, of course. And then there’s the cliché ‘she made me the happiest I’ve ever been’, which is true; I’ve never been happier than when I was with her. But she means more than that to me.

I could throw the L-word around now, but I think that goes without saying. So to explain what she means to me I have to make another confession, preceded by an explanation (is it weird to see the structure I intend to write with spelt out?)

I’ve had a cool life: I’ve been to many foreign countries; I’m been to Disneyland Florida and I could go on. I’ve also had some bad experiences: family deaths and my parents’ separation (like a divorce, except they were never married). But I’ve never known how I felt about any of it. For example, when my first granddad died I didn’t feel anything. 5 hours later I was crying uncontrollably at school, but I still didn’t feel anything. I wouldn’t describe how I felt at Disneyland as anything more than content. I should have been happy, ecstatic, excited…

Basically, I spent a lot of my life in the same situation people on antidepressants describe: all of my emotions (or, at least my awareness of them) were heavily suppressed. She changed that. It took a few years, but with her I have felt more than I ever felt before. She liberated me.

It’s had its downsides: I’ve discovered a volatile temper that I hadn’t had since I was about 8, but I’m working on that; I feel loss and anguish and jealousy more than I ever remember feeling it. But I can be happy. And that is thanks to her. Not only am I in love with her, and not only has she been a part of my life since I was 17, but just feeling reminds me of her. That has been her gift to me, and I can see it will haunt me.

8 thoughts on “Her Gift to Me”

  1. Wow very powerful post, I would say “give it time it’ll get better” but I know better then most how annoying that phrase can be. I understand heartache in romance. I’m sorry you have to go through it but one day something will work out the way it’s supposed to. Maybe you’ll be in a book store and see someone and forget what’s her name. Just try to stay positive.

    1. Thanks. I should be moving on by now, it’s been 3 months. But when just my feeling of excitement at the future, or terror of facing the future both remind me of her, it’s difficult.

      I don’t know that it’s supposed to be any which way… and if it is, I don’t know that it’s not supposed to be with her… perhaps I should take my dad’s advice and just fuck something. I don’t see how that will help, though.

      1. It took me over a year to get over someone who had hurt me very bad. It was my first love. My first.. well first is good enough lol. It took me a long time to get over him, so just take your time. Because it will happen. Slowely. I mean this guy I’m speaking of cheated on me, left me, and started dating my best friend. Proposed to her 2 months later and got married 3 months after that. now during this whole time still using me and playing mind games with me. But now I realize it happened so I can find better. Here I am with a beautiful son,great man, planning my wedding lol

        I’ve also done the whole “to get over someone get on top of someone else thing”. It helps for approximatly 3 hours and then your right back to square one.

        The thing is to remind yourself that there is someone better and that one day you will look back and realize it all happened for a reason.

  2. It can be a truly awful experience, i know. Swam through that wicked sea twice and learnt very little from both experiences except perhaps for what the back of a toilet looks like up close and personal. Keep moving, keep writing, nothing is going to wait for you.

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