I promised myself I would stop writing about my ex-girlfriend, but I have a person in my life at the moment that keeps bringing her up and I have no real way to distract myself from the thoughts that wells up. My last session of ‘Hey-lets-talk-about-her-I’m-sure-that-will-make-you-feel-better-about-life’ doted heavily on the issue of why I am finding it so difficult to move on from her.
There’s the seven years thing, of course. And then there’s the cliché ‘she made me the happiest I’ve ever been’, which is true; I’ve never been happier than when I was with her. But she means more than that to me.
I could throw the L-word around now, but I think that goes without saying. So to explain what she means to me I have to make another confession, preceded by an explanation (is it weird to see the structure I intend to write with spelt out?)
I’ve had a cool life: I’ve been to many foreign countries; I’m been to Disneyland Florida and I could go on. I’ve also had some bad experiences: family deaths and my parents’ separation (like a divorce, except they were never married). But I’ve never known how I felt about any of it. For example, when my first granddad died I didn’t feel anything. 5 hours later I was crying uncontrollably at school, but I still didn’t feel anything. I wouldn’t describe how I felt at Disneyland as anything more than content. I should have been happy, ecstatic, excited…
Basically, I spent a lot of my life in the same situation people on antidepressants describe: all of my emotions (or, at least my awareness of them) were heavily suppressed. She changed that. It took a few years, but with her I have felt more than I ever felt before. She liberated me.
It’s had its downsides: I’ve discovered a volatile temper that I hadn’t had since I was about 8, but I’m working on that; I feel loss and anguish and jealousy more than I ever remember feeling it. But I can be happy. And that is thanks to her. Not only am I in love with her, and not only has she been a part of my life since I was 17, but just feeling reminds me of her. That has been her gift to me, and I can see it will haunt me.