Evolution, in all its elegance, has neglected some part of us. Evolution has selected for the beautiful curves of a woman’s body, and the delta-shape of men. Evolution has selected our parts on utility and on aesthetics (called sexual selection*). But when it comes to the mushy parts we smoosh together to further the human population (and because it is so much fun!) evolution simply lets us down. The utility is there, but it’s not pretty.
Take, first, the vagina. It is not elegant; not in the way lungs are elegant. The vagina looks like someone tried to make a plush doll out of an open oyster. Except the pearl is never where men think it is (it’s nearly an inch further up). And after a bit of foreplay this plush doll looks like it’s been washed in soapy water. And the basic plumbing of the system means you can’t plunge the system without an inevitable (and—as the title of the post demands—hilarious) farting noise; the fanny fart through the soapy plush doll of an oyster.
* fun side note about sexual selection: the clitoris is the only part of the human body with not clear function other than to stimulate orgasm. This means men’s egos or woman’s demandingness are actually evolutionary pressures. If you can’t make a girl orgasm you are an evolutionary failure. There!
But all of that is wonderful and beautiful when it is compared to the saggy deep-sea creature that is the human penis. 99% of the time it doesn’t protrude from the body, nor does it do anything else so grandiose. No, it sags there… like a saggy thing. And it is disappointingly small when it sags. And it basically always sags; the saggy angelfish or, as Kryton says on Red Dwarf, “the sad-last-hen-in-the-shop look”, which is probably when viewed from above. But then man gets excited, or there is a breeze, or it’s the morning, or evening… or someone bent over to pick something up… or whatever, and the saggy angelfish awakens. Some parts stay saggy, but the main event becomes a strange tube with a bulbous bit at one end. And a bit of skin, which seems entirely useless, rolls back and exposes a red tip with a little eye in it—further the idea that the penis was just a sea serpent that someone just sewed onto the human body for a laugh. It’s as ugly as it always was, but now it’s bigger and harder to ignore.
Also, the lumps in the saggy bit that always sags, what the hell are they about? I get they have to hand low on account of their function working at a lower temperature, but do they have to dance when I get tickled? They bob around like they’re listening to Daft Punk. They look alive… or like they are the beating heart of a deep sea fish.
And despite this, I still encounter people who think their genitals are currency. They’re smooshy, leaky bits of the human body that aren’t pretty (presumably because we can judge a person’s face before we have sex, but by the time we see the genitals it’s basically game on, regardless). The currency remains what goes on in your head (both being interesting and being dirty), your personality and, if you are the girl that turned me down last night, dat ass.